September 13, 2007
What am I Missing?: It’s Rant Time!
Posted by brys under breast cancer, politics, queer, reconstruction
I was expecting the micro-sized package of crummy pretzels, instead of which, placed on the cheap plastic tray beside my drink offering, was a prayer. “Oh, I’m sorry”, I ventured to the Alaska Air flight attendant, “I didn’t order the Christian meal.” Okay, so I was looking just a tad smug when I directed my thinly veiled ire to her prompt attention. “Well!” she said, tersely, “Most of our passengers find the prayer a comfort.”
I felt pretty much the same kind of astonishment comingled with disappointment and anger when my family physician offered me, yesterday, during a visit when I went to talk about how to manage diverticulitis, an advertisement for the Been-A-Boob breast prosthetic that is marketed with the Janac sports bra. Now before I go on to relate more of this story, let me very clearly state here that I LOVE my GP. She is wonderful, kind, very competent and has been a true supporter and cheerleading team member during my medical catastrophe of 2007.
Gazing down at the advertisement for the augmented sports bra, I tried to figure out a non-controversial and non-confrontational way to move on - a socially appropriate segue to dislodge my doctor from her own discomfort in the face of my public breastlessness. I noticed that the founder of Janac Sportswear is a Dragon Boat paddler, and so I ventured forth something banal about how in the Spring, I too was going to be paddling in a Breast Cancer boat, and that I was doing a lot of post-mastectomy physiotherapy as a way of getting strong in anticipation of my paddling. That seemed all very healthful and positive, and was intended to get us both onto a different terrain. Undeterred, my doctor suggested, then that, “Well great, once you get yourself a sports bra, you can be one of the regulars on the team.”
“One of the regulars on the team.” I could have said that my entire life stands as a testament to my absolute dedication to undo the notion that one might ever aspire to being “one of the regulars.” But of course, I didn’t. Where’s Foucault when you need him — like the moment in Annie Hall when Marshall McLuhan appears out of the blue in a movie theatre line-up to interrupt the babbling of an arrogant man in the line (go watch the excerpt, it’s still really funny).
Lest you think that I am disparaging the desires of anyone other than me who wants breast reconstruction or to wear a breast prosthetic, stop right here. I think that people should be totally supported to seek out whatever brings them peace and happiness following the removal of one or both breasts. I am happy that a whack of tax dollars are going to pay for breast reconstruction for women undergoing mastectomies. What irks me is that my own choice to go breastless, and keep it that way, is not being supported. And it is both discouraging and of critical concern that options like Been-A-Boob or reconstruction are being presented to women couched in a deliberately crafted discourse of Repair of Damaged Goods, Aspiration to Return to Normalcy, or one might say, Non-Voluntary Enlistment in Normalization. The message is clear - (1) You are disfigured. (2) You feel really bad about that. (3) We can help you get the help you know you need to fix this problem.
But, one must always ask, “What IS the problem here?” The Janac Sports Bra literature tells the reader that she can “Look Good at Home and at the Gym.” What am I missing? Who is going to appreciate my Sports Bra as I work around the house? Who is going to be bothered by my flat chest as I work out at the gym? From my vantage point, the fact that I can now work out at the gym without the encumbrance of a sweaty clingy bra is nothing short of a miracle. It’s one of the few silver linings in this really fucked up cloud. What am I missing here?
Jacqueline, who blogs as Rebel One in Eight, makes Rhea Belle a line of clothing that is specially designed for post-mastectomy women, and it’s not about a cover-up! Take a look at Jacqueline’s Caged Bird T-shirt! I love her Brand tagline: “Not a statistic. More than fashion. It’s a rebellion.”
So please help me out here. What AM I missing?
September 14, 2007 at 7:32 pm
Amoena promises a “better quality of life” and how’d ya like to be just “Nearly You”? The only thing you’re missing are the rose colored glasses. Enjoy seeing the world with clarity. Thank you from the bottom of my really pissed off but kind ‘n loving heart.
September 14, 2007 at 7:33 pm
Oh! and thank goodness you are YOU! ALL you! and living the BEST life.
September 15, 2007 at 1:38 am
Thanks for this post! I always love to read your perspective on this issue.
I am ambivalent about a LOT of this stuff…it irritates the crap out of me when people refer to mastectomy as “amputation”, because the implication (to me) is that there’s a degree of impairment of basic human functions and lactating wasn’t one of *my* basic human functions, trust me.
I’m wondering too: Are men who lose a testicle to cancer so thoroughly browbeaten to get themselves little silicone implants in their scrotums? Do they do it? Does anyone kid themselves that it’s the same as the real thing? Do men feel better about themselves, for doing it? Are there a bunch of testicular rebels running around, refusing to slip prosthetic gonads into their shorts? (If there are, guys, I’m applauding for you.)
I saw my surgeon yesterday and she asked me AGAIN if I’m ever going to have reconstruction, and I said,”nope!”
I’m wondering if we’ll be having this conversation when I’m in my 50s or 60s, or if the medical establishment considers one a lost cause after a sufficient interval.
I am firmly committed to this point. I actually DO want people to look at me and think “Hey! She has no breasts!” I also want them to look at me and realize I’m perfectly happy this way, but I’m aware that I might be pushing my luck at this point.
September 15, 2007 at 5:42 am
hey there you lovely wonderful smart and funny women… all of you, like Jac says… thanks for stopping bye, and weighing in… I love your energy… And as for “pushing your luck” - go for it. Why not? It doesn’t cost any more, in life, to push that luck as far as it’ll go.
September 15, 2007 at 6:53 am
hi, Mary… I godwilling will never have to go through what you’ve had to go through — but if I did, I don’t believe I would reconstruct either… I think a lot of the time women “keep up” appearances for women… but in this case, who indeed would it be for?
September 15, 2007 at 8:07 pm
I think that what you are “missing” is that all the flap about reconstruction, padded sports bras, etc. is REALLY about other peoples’ discomfort, not yours. It’s all code for “Thank god this didn’t happen to me and if it did I would get new boobs/a padded bra/etc./ as soon as humanly possible so please won’t you get a move on and do the same because every minute I see you with no breasts, my own anxiety about how I would feel if I were in your shoes increases…” Meanwhile, back at the ranch — hang in there and flaunt it — how about a t-shirt that says “Flat is Where it’s At”?
September 15, 2007 at 11:46 pm
OK, who are you, Pat, and where do I send the flowers? Because I think you’re a fucking GENIUS. You nailed the sentiments flung at those of us who brazenly go breastless in the world.
And, flat IS where it’s at, trust me.
September 16, 2007 at 7:10 pm
Pat is totally a genius. You got that right, pocketina! Pat rocks!!!
September 17, 2007 at 1:19 am
Thanks for the nice feedback but I’m neither a genius nor a rocker, trust me. I’m a lesbian/dyke who has lost several straight and dyke friends to breast cancer and has had a number of long and interesting conversations with them about this reconstruction business (and I use that word advisedly). In a recent conversation, we mused about the extent to which lesbians/dykes/queers feel less compelled to re-boob themselves than straight women — I think so, for lots of reasons. What do you thik? Is the “non-reconstruction” movement most an LDQ attitude?
September 18, 2007 at 7:20 pm
“Is the “non-reconstruction” movement most an LDQ attitude?”
Pat, great question. I’ve wondered about this and Tina and I have actually talked about this very question. I’m not an “LDQ” but chose not to have reconstruction after my single mastectomy. I also have several non-LDQ friends who also chose not to have reconstructive surgery and the numbers of women who make this choice is climbing. I think the myths as well as the physical and emotional challenges of reconstruction are slowly being exposed. I have read somewhere, I think it was the American Cancer Society website (when I was researching the statistics on post mastectomy breast reconstruction) that only 1/3 of the women who have mastectomies follow with reconstruction- how many of those are LDQ I don’t know. I know that much of our personal body politics are customarily/traditionally intertwined with our sexuality but as a conscious being who tries to observe the world with clarity I know that body politics transcends my sexuality and weaves into and empowers my sociopolitical (right word?) existence as well.
“In a recent conversation, we mused about the extent to which lesbians/dykes/queers feel less compelled to re-boob themselves than straight women — I think so, for lots of reasons.”
I’d be very interested in knowing what those “lots of reasons” are. When Tina and I talked about this very topic we explored and shared attitudes that are, perhaps, mistakingly only associated more with LDQ community than with “straight” (god, I hate that lame ass word) women. Quite simply one stereotype narrowed down to “If I don’t define or link my breast to the value of my sexual and social worth than I must be a lesbian”. I find this disheartening. I’m just being honest here. It’s not that I give a shit if someone thinks I’m an LDQ- it’s more complex than that…
The simple fact that we are asking ourselves “do more LDQ’s pass up post mastectomy reconstruction than straight women?” perhaps speaks loudly to our tendency to embrace stereotypes and actually PARTICIPATES in binding breasts, or the lack of, tightly to our sexuality and self worth- the popular, typical and socially obedient idea.
I think a conference is in order: “How we recover? The social aftermath of Breast Cancer.”
September 19, 2007 at 10:44 pm
Thanks for the thoughtful response. My “lots of reasons” do indeed include the assumption (indeed, a stereotype, as you noted) that straight women are more likely to buy into social pressures that support the linkage between breasts and sexual/social worth, as well as that they are more likely to be pressured in various subtle and not-so-subtle ways to undertake reconstruction by the men in their lives who buy into this linkage. And, there’s fact that men do tend to place a lot of value on breasts with regard to their own sexual satisfaction — I guess I am thinking that male-oriented women might go down the reconstruction path at least in part to “please their man.” I get it that I am espousing a bunch of stereoypes of my own vis a vis straight women as well as men, and I get it that there are, of course, exceptions. Personally, I have never known a straight woman who has not elected to reconstruct, and I have known a number of LDQ women who have made this choice, so I could easily be talking only from my own experience in this regard. Anyway, glad to know that I could be totally off-base about this! Really, truly, no offense intended!!
September 19, 2007 at 11:36 pm
Mary, this is another brilliant post. I found myself nodding vigorously as I read it. My radiation oncologist reacted with great disapproval when I told him that I didn’t wear a prosthesis. He actually said, “But you have to wear something!”
But no, in fact I do not. Why should I be uncomfortable so that I can ‘pass’? My kids are OK with my appearance (the most important thing to me) and so am I. I wish I did see more women like me, though.
This is only one reason that I am so glad that Tina, Jacqueline, Jeanne and now you have come into my life.
As for the straight/queer question, I agree that there is quite bit of truth to the theory of relative susceptibility to societal pressures. I wonder, also if many LDQs are already more comfortable with the idea of being perceived as “other” and so feel less internalized pressure to pass themselves of as “one of the regulars”…
September 20, 2007 at 5:21 am
Really really good point, Laurie (As for the straight/queer question…). This is an amazing discussion. First of all Pat I took no offense- how could I- there was way too much honesty to what you were saying. I sincerely think you posed a great question that plowed through to core ideologies, fears and stigma that surround how we preserve our bodies and our psychology after a mastectomy. The tone of my comment came more from the fact that mingled into my opposition to many typical social norms are my own stupid stereotype ideas like “do I come across “too” butch because I WANT to be single breasted” (I actually asked my husband this once and he rolled his eyes and said “you? butch? you have no idea who you are do you?”). I hate it that I even asked something like this- I’m smarter than that. But the reality is that this stereotype stuff gets in us somehow. Ultimately, if we don’t communicate with deep honesty and explore the current that moves under our language we are wasting time. In any stereotype someone always gets the short end of the stick. In your view- it’s the straight woman and your view is painfully appropriate. Painful because since I’m straight I’m being clumped into the “oppressed man/society pleaser” category and painful because I think you are generally right…
“straight women are more likely to buy into social pressures that support the linkage between breasts and sexual/social worth, as well as that they are more likely to be pressured in various subtle and not-so-subtle ways to undertake reconstruction by the men in their lives who buy into this linkage. And, there’s fact that men do tend to place a lot of value on breasts with regard to their own sexual satisfaction — I guess I am thinking that male-oriented women might go down the reconstruction path at least in part to “please their man.” ”
-While I think this is simplistic and unfairly victimizes women in general I can’t even PRETEND that it doesn’t ring of some truth.
But just when I think there is hope and support for us exceptional straight women and our integrity this happens: I was talking to one of my physicians last November about a prophylactic mastectomy because I am tired of the fear of a bc diagnoses in my remaining breast. We were having a pretty nice conversation and seemed to be on the same page when she says “it seems like you’ve really given this some thought and if you’d be ok with that decision and it’s ok with your husband then I think you should meet with a surgeon”. OK WITH MY HUSBAND?!! I screamed in my head. I’m not sure what she thought when my mouth dropped and I became very cold and distant when just moments before I was warm and friendly. It NEVER even dawned on me to ask John if it was OK with him that I don’t have reconstructive surgery let alone ask him if it’s OK that I have my other breast removed to potentially save my life. Or what about the time when I met with a breast specialist for a routine follow-up and upon opening my gown said “Oh, you didn’t have reconstruction?” NOT SHIT?! I wanted to reply.
This is what we’re up against. Are you “totally off base”? I wish you were. So I sincerely wasn’t offended by anything you said but actually grateful for you insight. I’m just generally pissed off about the assumptions/truths and stereotypes that we are all maneuvering through.
September 20, 2007 at 8:44 pm
[...] has been a really cool discussion on the Comments page of a previous post, about relationships between being lesbian/straight, and the likelihood of breast reconstruction [...]
December 29, 2007 at 10:33 pm
I had a bilateral mastectomy less than a year ago. I’m single, straight, and 41. I didn’t do reconstruction; except for work, I don’t wear the prosthesis. If I change jobs, I won’t wear any prosthesis then.
I know that for many single, breast-less women the question of “when to tell” is an issue. For me it isn’t. If they’ve seen me in a T shirt walking my dog, I don’t have any explaining to do.
I’m not willing to go through the pain and expense of surgery in exchange for fake looking breasts that I won’t be able to feel.
I’m too sexy for prosthesis, too sexy for implants, too sexy …
March 22, 2008 at 9:24 pm
It was so great to read the posts on this page, although it looks like I didn’t run across them in a very timely fashion.
When I was diagnosed with what the doctor called “a very small breast cancer” in late 2005 (sort of like being told you are a “little bit pregnant” in my opinion), the surgeon wanted to try to preserve the breast because the tumor was so small. This would have called for radiation and I didn’t want to have radiation. I didn’t want to be one-breasted, either, because I had a lot of breast tissue, so I had them both off in January of 2006. For 18 months after I had healed from the surgery I wore prosthetics. Then I went on vacation after having lost some excess weight and decided I wouldn’t wear them on vacation and was so spoiled by the comfort of not having those heavy, sweaty things strapped to my chest with that tight piece of elastic, I haven’t worn them since. I was wearing them before I went on vacation and I work in an office environment. It was obvious I had stopped wearing them when I came back and nobody said anything although some looked at my chest (mostly guys). I lost a little more weight after that, and now I wear knit shirts and everything and it is obvious that I have no breasts. I don’t care who knows it; the more people who know it, the better, in my opinion. My husband told me more than once that if he were in my shoes he would have made exactly the same decision and had bilateral mastectomies, and he has only mentioned breast reconstruction once. When I pointed out to him that what I would have would be “breast shapes” and not breasts, and that I wouldn’t be able to feel them at all –my chest would be totally numb– he said it didn’t make sense for me to have reconstruction. I was amazed and so disarmed by this reaction. To him, if whatever I had done to my chest was just going to be for looks and would provide me no pleasure whatsoever, it made no sense to take the risk. What a guy. I am learning to enjoy my new shape. I do not feel maimed; I feel whole. Women who choose to have one or both breasts removed and who will not burden themselves with prosthetics have nothing the matter with them. The members of what I think of as the Breast-Worship Cult are the ones that seem sad to me.
April 19, 2008 at 7:42 am
Just thought i would say ishare your views.. having had a bilateratl mastectomy and lymph node removal.. followed by chemo.. i feel my body has been through quite enough lol! i dont have a problem being breastless and certainly could be bothered with false ones strapped to my front! Its other people who seem to be uncomfortable… although they try to be nice by saying it doesnt look that bad… my view is … if you dont like it..dont look..simple.. i am glad to be alive and breasts are the last thing on my mind.. bring life on!!!!