Forget the literal-mindedness of mastectomy, chemically induced menopause, etc.: I would warmly encourage anyone interested in the social construction of gender to find some way of spending half a year or so as a totally bald woman. As a general principle, I don’t like the idea of “applying” theoretical models to particular situations or texts—it’s always more interesting when the pressure of application
goes in both directions—but all the same it’s hard not to think of this continuing experience as, among other things, an adventure in applied deconstruction.
Eve Sedgwick, Tendencies
Thanks for stopping by. I am a big fan of the particular mode of co-presence that blogs facilitate. So Comment, if the mood strikes.
I do research on new media, queer theory, theories of democratization and political mobilization and models of difference/s and community. My long history of work with online communities and new media brought me to this unlikely place — a cancer blog. This location for connection and narration blurs boundaries of public and private as I push something embodied that many folks would regard as necessarily private into public space.
On June 8, I was diagnosed with an aggressive form (comedocarcinoma) of ductal cancer that is multifocal and multicentric, with indications of microinvasion. My family history includes way too many folks with aggressive, bilateral invasive breast cancer. Faced with high probabilities of recurrence and unacceptably high rates of mammogram failure for women under 50, I opted for a bilateral mastectomy. So you know, the mastectomy takes care of local control, as they call it. Getting rid of the actual cancer in the breast. The bigger challenge is systemic control – getting rid of cancerous cells that may have traveled outside of the breast by means of the venous or lymphatic system. Breast cancer can reappear as cancer in the brain, liver, bones or lungs. Not good (ha ha). On July 17 I met with the surgeon and got filled in on the more comprehensive prognostic profile. It’s about as good as it gets in “breast cancer world” where life and death are measured only in probabilities, and never in certainties. The pathology report indicates clean margins, no invasive cancer in the rest of the breast, and no cancer in the lymph nodes that they removed.
Just when I thought I might be ready to close down my blog, I was readmitted to hospital (at the end of July) — this time for high stakes surgery on what the docs thought was a large (13 cm by 11.5 cm) complex ovarian cyst with a high probability of malignancy. I spent eleven days and nights in the hospital, part of it on the oncology ward. I was prepped for removal of pretty much everything lively below the navel. The cyst turned out not to be ovarian, but fallopian, and “looked benign”. The pathology report confirmed the cyst to be benign. I am doing ok, more or less. Just rather traumatized by a second big surgery in the span of 5 weeks. In early August I was back home, recovering.
I was on medical leave until December. I am now back at work. I am not sure how long I will keep writing this blog, but for now, I am still here, struggling, laughing, crying, being afraid, doing tons of online research, talking to people, connecting with other survivors, and writing about it all. Big BIG love to all those folks who made this most recent misadventure bearable, and sometimes, even okay. I am enjoying repaying the world all the kindness that has been shown to me.
July 11, 2007 at 1:02 am
Hi hunbun, thank you for sending me your blog link. I had heard thru the grapevine of people who care for you that you’d been ‘diagnosed’ and so am relieved to have some info. I love you. I love you the way people who admire others love them for being themselves, I love you for the strength you show just by posting a blog, I love you for your mind and will and energy and perspicacity. I love you for sharing. And I love you because how could I not? I’m sending you wishes of great big heaps of whatever you need at the time. And I’m praying for you. It sounds like you have a lot of good solid support, but on the off chance you need something only a Michael can give, don’t hesitate, k? xo xo Michael V.
July 11, 2007 at 3:12 am
hey there Michael – wow – so many heart squeezes today – Love you too you sexy brilliant handsome guy!!! Thanks for your gift!
July 11, 2007 at 9:28 am
I have tried to write this for about 20 minutes. I keep editing and editing and I realized that all you really need to know is that there is strength and energy coming your way.
*shmoosh*
!K
July 11, 2007 at 3:38 pm
I think the tremendous urge to “say the right thing” is in-built. And there is no right thing, here, for me, at this time. And yes you are so right, Kona, about the strength and energy. It’s so right and it is so very good. I am surfing the waves of love and am so very touched by the support. Smoosh back to you!
July 12, 2007 at 7:21 pm
Mary,
i add my voice to the call for your best health and well-being
love
ohd
July 13, 2007 at 10:37 am
wanting you to know, mary, that i’m travelling in the traces your words leave here. and am holding them with all my might. sending much love, bobby
September 6, 2007 at 2:03 pm
Hey Mary,
We are both thinking about you and sending you our love. Beat cancer’s ass!
Cheers
L and V
October 24, 2007 at 2:50 am
I just stumbled upon your blog and am looking forward to reading more about your fight. (I am currently undergoing chemo for breast cancer and blogging about it, as well, as http://www.lawmom.net.)
December 28, 2007 at 2:25 am
just came across your blog…. all the best to you. I’ve been diagnosed with BC and will be having a bilateral mastectomy with no recon in January. I’m joining the club. I look forward to reading your blog in the coming weeks and months.
January 30, 2008 at 12:26 pm
Just found your blog as I was googling”applied adventure in applied deconstruction” hoping to find Eve Sedgwick’s text in full. Since finishing treatment a bit over a year ago at the age of 33 – inspired by the deconstruction I’d been subjected to including my new butch look – I’ve took up gender studies and now study knowledge construction in the field of breast cancer. Therefore I’m so pleased to find out there’s actually a blog for people who have responded to the experience in sort of the same way I have…Can I join you?
March 31, 2008 at 4:05 am
Mary,
Hello from your former neighbour on East 16th. I just found out from Brent Ingram that you had been diagnosed with cancer and has this website. I’m not going to have time to explore it until the morning but I wanted to let you know that you have my love and support. Thanks for all the love and support you gave me back when I was a young mom! Love Sally O.
January 8, 2009 at 12:45 am
The beginning of a new year triggers a reflection of the past ones. I stopped by to wave hello. Your impression on me has not faded.
April 2, 2009 at 12:18 am
You have faced your cancer with the same resolute determination and boldness that you have shown since I met you so long ago. Always, I send my best to you Mary.